Honorable Mentions of The Kamasutra For Mere Mortals

How you like to have sex is generally a secret to the majority of the world. Literally speaking, the world isn’t going to fuck you, so the information isn’t really something the world needs to be made privy to. Metaphorically, I personally think the world is a lecherous whore…One who is fucking us all in ways unique to our own wants, needs, and desires. It’s kinda hard not to appreciate a lover so attentive…right?

Unfortunately, unlike the world, most people know nothing about another person’s wants needs, and desires in bed. At least not without asking–and even when asking, that’s a whole separate issue to execution. Theres always this awkward phase of getting to know each other’s bodies and figuring out what works where and under what conditions. It can honestly be overwhelming at first…as a consequence, 1st time sex should probably start with something easy, and totally doable when with a new partner. So put away the Kamasutra, there’s no way you’re getting her into that shape of a pretzel. Let’s start with a simple handful of tried and true positions.

oral sex

Oral Sex
Oral sex used to be considered taboo despite a good handful of people participating in it. Now, if you’re living in the 21st century, you’ve probably participated in it as well. Don’t look away shamefully. Nobody else knows what you’ve been doing with that mouth–unless you were really bad or really good at it. In which case, yes, your partner definitely told somebody. In the other case, imagine your boss or professor. Imagine your coworker, or student. Yup. They’re normal people who have more than like had oral sex at some point or another and they walk around pretending like dick hasn’t hit them in the face at least once. They pretend they haven’t gotten their chins wet at least once. You’re welcome. See how you never imagined them like that before? That’s how much everyone else cares about what you do in your bedroom. If you’re not having oral sex, you aren’t having sex.

This kind of act in my opinion is more intimate than simply bumping uglies. If I let you bump your ugly on my pretty face, you better believe you’re special. Due to the disgusting nature of sex, and even more disgusting nature of letting somebody’s privates attack your face, I recommend oral sex only for two people who genuinely care about each-other. It helps not wanting to punch them in the dick when they don’t let you know they’re about to cum or that you’re actually really uncomfortable with how tightly they’re wrapping their thighs around your face and inhibiting your breathing. These transgressions are forgivable when you know this individual would never intentionally hurt you, and when their happiness and pleasure are important to you.

Go ahead and try 69ing, but if you ask me, no, don’t try it. It’s stupid. This position was designed for a man. It’s really hard to enjoy anything but a dick in your mouth, when there’s a dick in your mouth. The way anatomy works…suggest a certain level of discomfort for the woman that doesn’t exist for the man. I’m not saying don’t 69, just that the novelty wears off quickly in a heterosexual match.

hand holding.gif

Reciprocal&Simultaneous Handies
Yup. Hand jobs. I feel like the act of manually stimulating your partner, as they manually stimulate you is severely disrespected. People get a taste of “real sex” and they want to rush through foreplay and non-penetrative acts. Well, like I’ve mentioned before in This Is How We Do It: Lesbianism there is more than one way to skin a cat. Yes that was a pussy pun. My point is, if you’re skipping past foreplay because you graduated from high-school hand jobs, you’re also skipping past great sex. By this point in your sexual career, you should understand the hand job well enough to preform and receive one at the same time. My favorite thing about a mutual handy-jay is the reciprocal nature, and the fact that although your hands are busy, your mouth, and eyes are not. Do I have to spell it out? This is your chance to test out eye contact, dirty talk, and deep kissing. If you don’t want to have “real sex” after that, the best part is that everything is already handled …and if you do still want to, of course it’s gonna be that much better!

jockey

Jockey
This is a good position for late at night and early in the morning. Why you ask? Because if you’re a woman, or receiving partner, you literally do nothing here but continue sleeping. You might wake up to give consent or something, I dunno, whatever floats your boat but other than that its smooth sailing. Oh, And I can’t forget the added benefit of avoiding morning/I’ve-been-drinking-&-smoking-all-night breath. Nothing ruins a sexual encounter like discovering your partners garbage breath.

This position is also one of the best because if your partner really likes your ass, here’s their chance to show some attention to it. It doesn’t hurt to pair this position with lower back caresses either. Unfortunately, if your male partner isn’t at least average in size, he may find difficulty maintaining this position if there is a considerable amount of junk in your trunk. Keep this in mind as well as the fact that this position is designed for a tighter feel.

sledge

Sledge
This position is similar to the reverse cowgirl, which is also not a bad selection. If you typically enjoy girl on top positions, this one is worth a try. Like reverse cow girl, it adds a new sensation to penetration that both partners can enjoy. Again, this is definitely for a man who loves a woman’s behind and a woman who likes to take control as well as have her ass admired. I however, would suggest turning off the lights unless you get your asshole bleached regularly! I only suggest this because if you’re me, you’re probably hoping he isn’t making eye contact with your butt hole and it’s ruining the vibe. Lastly, the male partner should be aware of his lover’s stamina and help with guiding/supporting her hips when appropriate. He can control a lot of what happens, like depth, and force, if his partner desires to relinquish control to him in this position, or he can simply enjoy the ride. For those that enjoy anal play, this position is logistically sound for extracurriculars.

eagle

Eagle
This position is one of the most difficult positions out of my line-up of must haves in the bedroom. I say this because if you’re too fat, or not very flexible, this is going to be more painful and uncomfortable than desired. If your legs can comfortably be maneuvered in the position of the eagle however, you and your partner will enjoy deeper penetration than the typical missionary position provides. Your partner should be comfortable supporting the weight of your legs on his arms or shoulders. This is also a great position for a man who needs just a little more to really put some motion in the ocean.

This position can also be modified in a way that allows the male partner to rest his hands on top of the woman’s knees. Again, she should be flexible enough that him pushing her legs back doesn’t hurt her.

Another slight modification can be made of keeping the woman’s legs close together. Her ankles should be towards her head, above the man’s shoulders. This however gives a completely different feel to the position adding in tightness and subtracting in depth of penetration.

watering can

Watering Can
If I could only have sex one way for the rest of my life…this might be it. This position was designed with the female orgasm in mind. Your partner can can kiss you, or your breasts, even whisper sweet nothings into your ear. Meanwhile, clitoral stimulation is one of the key achievements of this position. Furthermore, the woman has most of the control here, but nothing amplifies this position like a well timed and reciprocal thrust from the male partner. If your partner’s face is annoying you, simply turn around and you’re already locked in to another all time favorite, the sledge.

doggy

Doggy
Did you really think I would conclude a list of favorites in the bedroom with out including doggy style? Doggy is a gem to too many and with good reason. This position is great for spanking, hair pulling, biting,  and kissing your partner’s neck and back. All of which should be incorporated with this position because honestly, are you doing it right if you don’t do those things?

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