Deez Nuts: Nutrient Powerhouse.

I love nuts. I lovvvvvveeee nuts. Not indiscriminately of course–come on guys, you know me better than that. But I fucking love nuts. I pretty much eat nuts every day. When I don’t eat nuts, I’m actually kinda sad. Sometimes, nuts are literally the only thing I’m looking forward to eating. I enjoy them so much, I have a handful of nuts with my breakfast every morning. My favorite thing about eating nuts, is how crunchy they are, and the perfect amount of sea salt coating their nutrient dense kernels. While ignoramuses will tell you that nuts are not good for you, or that eating nuts will make you fat, I’m going to tell you fuck them! Get some nuts in your life–and level up!


Nuts are an important part of any diet. Yup, whether you’re doing that stupid Keto shit that everyone’s going insane over like it hasn’t been a thing for ages, or simply need a quick, healthy, portable snack, nuts are the way to go. Here are a few reasons why you should be eating them daily.

Nuts can help you control your blood sugar
Whether you have a condition affected by your blood sugar or not is besides the point. We all know having stable blood sugar isn’t just something diabetics should worry about. Insulin is a key part of a lot of biological processes in ways you couldn’t imagine, so keeping your glucose levels stable is never a bad idea. However, if you are a diabetic, you know that certain foods are better for your glucose levels than others. With nuts, you can trust that you will be consuming an optimal combination of fat, protein, and fiber. All elements of a perfect snack for stable glucose levels. If you’re a fitness champion nuts are an excellent source of protein and fat to feed your hungry muscles for growth without causing your insulin levels to thwart your progress.

Nuts lower your risk of heart disease
It’s called science. Seriously. Nuts contain magical shit in them that increase your good cholesterol and lower you bad cholesterol. Walnuts in particular even have their own FDA badge of honor concerning their effects on heart health. While the exact mechanism through which nuts affect the heart’s health isn’t quite clear, the correlation is undeniable. Love your heart and eat some nuts.

healthy heart

Nuts won’t make you fat…
Okay, so, yeah. You might hear your local dumbass state that nuts have too much fat in them. They’re correct, nuts are high in fat. But didn’t we already go over this? They’re high in good fats. The kind that makes your heart happy. Right cool, but fat is fat after-all. However, there’s something a little funny about eating nuts. Studies indicate that individuals who overeat nuts, or generally eat them often, tend to have lower body mass indexes than people who don’t eat nuts–even though they consume more calories overall. Something to consider about these statistics is that nuts are kind of expensive and we all know that obesity is more strongly linked to low income. Furthermore, nuts are also a regular snack for people who are already particularly health conscious. Even considering these ideas, the data is compelling. Additionally, the easiest way to not get fat–eating anything, is portion control. I wouldn’t avoid eating nuts because they’ll make you fat. Quite frankly they won’t. Eating too damn much, and being sedentary will make you fucking fat. Stop villanizing nuts! As well as tasting amazing, AND being good for you, nuts can help you lose weight due to their high fiber, protein, and fat content via satiety. So why the fuck are you avoiding them again?

Nuts contribute a significant amount of fiber to your diet
When most people think of fiber, I’m sure they’re imagining their leafy greens and fruits. Well, guess what? Nuts are fruits! So yeah, they totally have fiber. Don’t just take my word for it, eat too many nuts, and see what happens.

trying to get to bathroom.gif

A serving of nuts has about 8-10 grams of fiber. If you’re the typical American who avoids their leafy greens and fruits like Kool-Aid’s cherry flavor mix with cyanide, I see this as potential victory for you. Get you some nuts!

Nuts are an easy portable snack
Another thing I love about nuts is that while it is important to monitor serving sizes in any food item you consume, nuts can be measured in various ways. You don’t need a scale to make sure you’re eating the proper serving size. One way to portion control your serving of nuts is to count each one. Most nuts have an average size, and thus an average number of them can be consumed in one serving size. Secondly, most serving sizes of nuts amount to 1 ounce or 1/4 cup of nuts. This generally means that a conservative handful will roughly serve as the correct amount of nuts you should be eating. Due to the nutrient density of nuts, a few serving sizes take up little space, and they do not need to be heated or cooled, nor do they spoil easily.

Okay. So maybe I have convinced you to begin eating nuts at-least once a day. If you love nuts like I do, you might consider eating them twice a day. But now another dilemma presents itself. Which nuts should you be eating? Which nuts are bad? Which are good and which are the best? STOP! This shit is so annoying. There aren’t good, bad, or better nuts. They are all equally beneficial, for different reasons. Its this line of thought that leads me to suggest eating a handful, or two, of mixed nuts. This way you may reap the benefits of the entire nut family and essentially no longer have to choose which nuts you will and will not consume. That’s right, if you buy mixed nuts, be a fucking a grown up and eat all of them. Stop picking out the one’s you find less favorable. Your body will know you’re cheating it. So will your wallet. Grow up. But if you’re a child like me, you discriminate hard af against nuts that don’t make your taste buds dance. Based off of your particular nut tastes and needs, you can make an educated decision on which nuts you want to consume regularly here.

pistachios almonds cashews

As for myself, my favorite nuts are cashews. My favorite mixture of nuts is cashews, pistachios, and almonds. Cashews have a sweet, creamy texture, while pistachios taste a little earthy, and the almonds provide a solid salty crunch. I really can’t get enough of them. I probably spend around sixty dollars a month eating cashews, pistachios and almonds cause they’re fucking amazing.  One thing I do hate about eating cashews and almonds mixed with pistachios is that pistachios tend to be galvanizing at times. By this, I mean that pistachios are excellent at surprise ruining an otherwise wonderful mouthful of nuts with a bitter, tart, disgusting flavor. It’s honestly so foul, that it might turn you off eating them at all. Seriously, I’ve been merrily noshing on a handful of nuts before and then suddenly I need to evacuate the contents of my mouth because I ate a bad pistachio.

Anyway, that’s besides the point. Eating nuts can drastically help with your dietary needs and goals. So while they may have a sour taste on occasion, overall they are a helpful and a healthy addition to any nutritional plan. And also, I’m not going to lie. Sometimes I over eat the shit out of nuts. But I will tell you this: I’m still well on my way in my health and weight-loss goals…so there’s that. Now it’s up to you to figure out if you’re ready to take the risk on nuts. My advice? Why not? They taste amazing.


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