Why Pizza Is The Ultimate Lover

Sometimes I find it perfectly acceptable to use the word sexy to describe something that isn’t typically seen sexually. It’s mostly because I’m a bad ass and have blatant disregard for connotation. Do I really need to justify my use of the word beyond common practice? I don’t think so. Anyway, now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, let me begin with Pizza. Pizza is sexy as fuck to me. Yes. Pizza, is sexy. You might ask me why, or even how I could say something like that. I’ll more than likely explain to you how I’m a bad ass again, but today I’m gonna give you the real deal. Here’s why I’m madly attracted to pizza…

You ever stop to think, how Pizza is the first love of most American children? How Pizza is this constant reassuring figure, even through your darkest moments? In fact, Pizza is not only there when you’ve just been dumped, or failed a major college exam–pizza is there when you get way too fucked up on a Friday night-soaking up that drink that would have given you alcohol poisoning had you not consumed a food sponge. Pizza is there when you only have twenty bucks in your account and you should probably hold onto it, but the idea of a hot, saucy, cheesy, pepperoni-ed pizza is honestly the only thing you need in life to make you feel complete. pizzaPizza is there when you graduate from high school and you feel like you should be eating more sophisticated cuisine but instead you fall back on pizza, like the psuedo adult that you are–and the best part… you can’t even regret it cause its that damn good. So hear me out, Pizza is like that best-friend you’ve had all along, and then you suddenly open your eyes one day, and realize, fuck, there’s no way me and pizza don’t have something real going on. You eat pizza several times a month. You’re going on 30, and you’re still faithful to bread and cheese. You sit back in awe. You draw up a list of reasons why pizza has been your true love all along.

  1. The thought of pizza always gets you wet. Like, you’re just sitting their minding your own business, and then BAM, pizza. Your mouth is now suddenly juicy with saliva.
  2. Sometimes you try and hit it and quit it, and Pizza never holds it against you. In fact, Pizza is still gonna be there when you give up on that no carb diet 3 weeks later and call in to Papa Johns at 10:30 PM like you haven’t been missing for a month. Pizza is just gonna show up at your door with 0 passive aggression. Could any real life individual compare?!
  3. Besides Pizza always being there for you when you need them, Pizza is not only ideal for a soul mate, but also ideal for a one night stand. Not because Pizza doesn’t hold grudges–but because, round 2, the morning after?! is almost always as enjoyable as the drunken night before. It’s not even awkward when you don’t brush your teeth or take the time to warm Pizza up. You just get right to it again and it never disappoints.

So, the next time me and Pizza get together, I’m not just gonna impatiently rip open the box like I haven’t seen Pizza 7 days ago. I’m not gonna reach right in, grab a slice, and  start taking the hot saucey mess into mouth like an impatient fool. Yes, Pizza, you are soo hot. So saucey. So sexy. And soo reliable. So comforting, and so dependable. This time around, I’m gonna give you time to actually cool off. I’m not gonna burn my tongue cause I’m too impatient to have you. This time, I’m gonna wait till the moment is right. When you and I are one Pizza, I want to savor the moment. I really wanna feel you go down. You’re always satisfying to me. So tonite, Me and you Pizza, we’re gonna make sweet sweet Pizza love.


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